Get to Know Our Meme Coin Strategists

Title: Chief Hype Officer (CHO)
What He Does:

Leads $TechStock’s long-term strategy by focusing on pure vibes over fundamentals.
Oversees quarterly No-Earnings Reports where numbers are made up, and the hype is real.
Ensures shareholder enthusiasm remains at an all-time high (regardless of price action).
Background:

Successfully raised $500M for a company that was literally just a landing page.
Once convinced investors that "market potential" was more important than revenue.
Refuses to define what $TechStock actually does—but that’s what makes it revolutionary.

Twitter: @ChadVanderhype

Title: Co-Chief Liquidity Extraction Officers (CLEOs)
What They Do:

Manage capital flows and strategic “market exits” (not insider trading if you don’t call it that).
Ensure orderly distribution of bags (i.e., early investors get out first).
One of them is bullish. The other one is also bullish.
Background:

The first-ever conjoined twin hedge fund managers.
Once convinced a pension fund to invest in a company that didn’t exist.
Only take meetings in locations where yachts are visible.

Title: Head of Strategic Ambiguity
What He Does:

Crafts corporate messaging so that everything sounds innovative but means nothing.
Writes press releases that are bullish even if we’re losing money.
Specializes in explaining concepts in a way that makes people afraid to admit they don’t understand.
Background:

Created the phrase "AI-enhanced decentralized synergy" and made millions.
Once gave a keynote speech that received a standing ovation despite explaining absolutely nothing.
Every earnings report he has ever written has been described as "fascinating but legally vague."

Title: VP of Forward-Looking Statements
What She Does:

Ensures all $TechStock announcements remain legally vague but financially thrilling.
Makes bad news sound bullish (e.g., “Massive liquidity issues? We call that hyper-growth mode.”)
Trains executives to say a lot without actually answering any questions.
Background:

Successfully got analysts to upgrade a company that had negative revenue.
Once rebranded a failed launch as "an unprecedented learning opportunity."
Holds three honorary PhDs in “Talking Without Saying Anything.”

Title: VP of Cash Incineration
What He Does:

Oversees capital deployment with an aggressive approach to reckless spending.
Ensures that no investor dollar sits idle for too long.
Implements the "burn rate as a flex" strategy to maintain the illusion of rapid expansion.
Background:

Former floor trader who ran a liquidity pool so efficiently, it became a liquidity black hole.
Once lost $200M in a single day but convinced the board it was a long-term strategy.
Personally responsible for three liquidity crises and at least one token’s dramatic delisting.

Twitter: @VinnyTheCloser

 Rico "Mr. Lifestyle" Santana
Title: VP of Hospitality, Controlled Substances & Market Sentiment

What He Does:

Ensures TechStock’s biggest investors experience true high-net-worth degeneracy through an elite mix of bottle service, questionable investment strategies, and complete disregard for financial regulations.
Market sentiment specialist—if Rico is popping bottles at an exclusive rooftop lounge, be bullish. If Rico is nowhere to be found, sell everything immediately.
Manages TechStock’s “Investor Experience” Program, which includes VIP treatment at:High-rise penthouses where deals and poor decisions go hand-in-hand.
Members-only clubs where the minimum buy-in is a foreign passport.
Boats that are technically classified as tax havens.
Late-night establishments where investment pitches and questionable life choices are made in the same breath.
Provides strategic "Kimono Opening" sessions for VCs and hedge fund whales, where everything— and we mean everything— is laid bare, from market projections to whatever else the night calls for.